Believing in Relationship Again
2 Marriages and 2 Divorces Later…
After two marriages and two divorces, I was reluctant to consider the idea of marriage a third time. That’s an understatement – I remember declaring out loud, “I will never get married again!” I wasn’t even sure any kind of intimate relationship was in my future.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
A year after my recent divorce, I ventured out, declaring myself “ready to date,” only to discover that I was attracting unavailable men, not committed to the same “relationship idea” that I was.
More honestly, they were just BAD for me…
Evoking old patterns, habits and negative beliefs about myself and my role in intimate relationships. I realized then that the “old” patterns, habits and beliefs were, in fact, present patterns, habits and beliefs, and they would not be course corrected and healed by being with these men.
Two more years and hundreds of hours of self-reflection later, I was ready.
With a clear vision of the experience I wanted with a man in committed relationship, I wrote this on a piece of notebook paper:
How I Want to Feel In Relationship:
- I want to feel peaceful
- I want to feel adored
- I want my daughter to feel loved
- I want to feel cared for
- I want to feel heard
- I want to feel free to be adventurous and spontaneous
- I want to feel respected
- I want to feel a deep, authentic connection
After consulting a group of women friends in New York, themselves in various stages of relationship, I took the plunge to “put it out there,” that I was ready for this man, this experience, to come into my life.
Two days later, he showed up.
Here are the details for those internet love skeptics:
- I created a Match profile – just a few sentences for me, enough to let my man know I was there waiting for him.
- He had created a simple Match profile – just enough to let me know he was out there waiting for me.
- With clarity of intention and willingness to be authentic, I reach out and he responded.
- The energetic connection we felt upon reading each other’s brief, well-edited profiles was all the catalyst needed to move forward.
- 3 weeks and 60 hours of phone conversation later we met in person over a glass of wine, and it was a done deal.
Following Your Gut
Do you know that feeling of already, always knowing? That feeling that allows you to make decisions from your gut/heart/soul? That feeling that is often in conflict with your ever rationally thinking brain? I let my gut/heart/soul win out because I knew I must.
As an aside – some of you might be asking – “If she was so certain here, what happened with numbers one and two?” To that I respond, the same thing. And going with my gut/heart/soul for the “big things” is what I’ve always done.
The key has been in the accepting that I never know for sure what the outcome will be, or what the lessons are to be learned, or the pain or joy to be experienced.